Living in Complete Trust

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I have been cultivating a solid personal practice of Kundalini Yoga for the last 5 years. Getting up early, taking cold showers, and preparing for yoga and meditation daily. It is a strict discipline and the days I resist it most are the days I need it the most. I use to say I was too busy to sit and meditate and now I have learned to exchange a few moments of sleep for meditation in which I take the time to deeply listen and to reprogram my monkey mind by overlaying sacred mantric sounds on top.

At first the thoughts were very loud like the crashing waves of the ocean and with practice, the negative self-talk, self criticisms gave way to a more neutral setting where the mantras I repeated became more audible. It was as if I can hear the words I am saying without actually speaking them. Essentially, there was less feedback in my system. The long sittings didn't seem to bother me, I could sit longer than I did before. The itch wasn't as itchy that now I didn't feel compelled to move my body seeking comfort. I just sat with the discomfort.

Kundalini Yoga is the yoga of awareness, I know when I am slipping into unawareness when I am not compliant with the meditation. I think of it as a clever trick Yogi Bhajan played on me to distract me from my mind. He had me sit down in easy pose, keep my gaze on my nose, put my hands in a mudra, and chant this mantra. It seems all so simple. But minutes into it, I wasn't doing what he asked, I was resisting the meditation experiencing my own little rebellion. I didn't want to face the ugly thoughts, the projected fears, the faces of people from the past, I was tempted and followed these breadcrumb trails. I would lose my space in the mantra chanting line and would slip off into the quiet zone, an altered state where I am snooping through the dusty boxes in my attic stored in the cobwebs of my mind.

To become a great teacher, one must become a great student and when the teacher describes one of Yogi Bhajan's teachings and I am not following it completely, then I know there is a part of my brain that is not firing correctly. Are my arms at 15 degrees instead of 45 degrees? This is an exact science and if I want to get to that exact location, I have to listen to directions. If I want to go to the beach and I end up in the desert, and everyone was given the same directions, then what happened? The subconscious hijacked me and I was so unaware I didn't even see it happen.

How many times has that happened? Too many to count. That is why I dedicate my life to learning these teachings because left to my own devices, I will most likely repeat my patterns of thinking, living, eating, feeling 99% of the time. It is a constant loop, my mind is stuck on the same radio station and I have been listening to the same news form 1975. How do I expect to seek happiness when I live the same routine each day? How do I expect to eat something tantalizing and spicy if I refuse to put spice in my food? Unless there is a teacher to wake me up, I was living in my own dreamland, my own matrix. I couldn't wake up. But luckily, I heard the sacred sounds of the Sound Current and it moved me to a better place.

Yogi Bhajan said," The One who has created you will take care of you." I've meditated on these words for many years like a koan. I have sat with it and from time to time have pulled it from the deep recesses of my mind to look at it, like my dressiest pair of shoes hoping someday the perfect outfit and opportunity will present itself.

Who is the One that created me? Where is He or She? The Divine Creator is everywhere and yet no where. There exists so many Sufi and Rumi poems that describe the Divine in this elusive way. About 4 years ago, I had this thought that If the One that created will take care of me, then I place my trust in the One. Of course, I did my part to show up and be present, but instead of all the intense planning and strategizing, I relaxed into the knowingness that each moment was perfect and that things do show up at the perfect time and space.

Yogi Bhajan also said that "patience pays." I am patiently allowing my life to unfold because the more force I put in the more resistance I meet. So with life, with work, with love, with relationships, I have learned to listen to the natural cycles and timing of nature. I learned that I can't always wish for summer as there are three other seasons that need to be experienced. I can't skip things and hurry things just because I want it. It's not the right time. Just be patient and all will come to you. Relax.