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You created your own Matrix.

It’s time to WAKE UP!

by Thi Hoang


Flashes of Insight: Experience as Knowledge


In 1976, my parents were heavily involved with the first Vietnamese Buddhist temple in San Francisco, California. I was just a toddler then and I spent my happiest days running around with the Buddhist community. The Buddhist chants, the rhythm and sounds of the chants surrounded me. At a very young age, I learned to be reverent and respect sacred space. I have seen and witnessed what happens in sacred spaces…. People somehow feel united to a higher source. Whether it is connecting to Quan Yin, the goddess of mercy and compassion or Master Jesus, the Ascended Masters, or the Kahunas in Hawaii, what I have found to be true is there are certain places I have been drawn to (please see my previous writing on Soul Mapping). What has drawn me? Perhaps it is the sense of something great that is about to happen, if only I would just show up.


As I sit and look at the world map on my bedroom wall strewn with metallic needles marking my journeys across the globe, I feel like an explorer, a traveler in search of Truth. What is this Truth that has haunted my life that interrupts my desire to live a rooted life?


It comes to me in my dreams, sometimes in my waking moments, I get these little flashes of insights of a place, a cave, a hilltop, a church, or a name. It just echoes in my mind until it reveals itself. Before I know it, I obey these insights and I find an itinerary printed and my bags are packed. What am I doing? Where am I going? At times my negative mind kicks in and almost puts brakes on my trips however, I know it is just another test of conviction. For me, it is not the destination but the journey itself that brings the greatest surprises and pleasures. And why do I keep on giving into these little adventures? According to the Buddhists, I can’t take anything with me when I die, however, the knowledge is carried over to the next lifetime. Because, I really have nothing to lose and only experiences to gain and with experience comes knowledge.


It happens on every trip. When I arrive at the intended destination, I am caught up in a whirlwind of activities and I end up at a little café or quiet restaurant where I get to share some ancient wisdom with a small group or individuals. My message is simple and often validates the audience somehow. The ancient wisdom infused to me via my masters are seemingly simple and yet their impact so profoundly powerful. Many have called me “the fire starter” and “the one who wakes people up.” Recently, I travel a lot to do bodywork that radiated the same message, it is like going home, you didn’t know how far you’ve gone until you came home. This is not a physical home but a place in your heart.


Merging with the One Consciousness in Silence


My most profound thoughts and messages came to me not in a print ad, movie, TV, YouTube, email, published book nor flashy magazine. It came to me and repeatedly does so in the silence within me. I have traveled for no good reason and all I know when I arrive is I ask myself, "why am I here?" I just meditate and go into a very quiet mind space which leads to a prolonged silent space. It is a feeling of peace that is underlying the mind's unstoppable stream of thoughts and criticisms. As if I am floating on a cloud the thoughts are projected on a movie screen and I learn to simply witness these thoughts. I laugh at how much my mind projects thoughts, worries, criticisms, judgments, and and am not moved to action by them. It takes a lot of discipline to not move and simply sit there.



Self-Reliance = Trust in the Unknown


When I was 20 years old, I took a break from my engineering studies and went to London to study humanities and the arts. Why did I go? What drove me to do something different? I knew the consequences and how it would affect my graduation date and yet I knew it was worth it. The adventure of exploring the unknown was just too tempting. I literally felt trapped in my self created structure. It’s simple, I chose a path, my advisor gave me the flow chart and if I took the courses in a specific order, I would graduate in four a half years. It was just too easy for me to choose a path and allow the fabric of time and space to unfold and one day I will graduate and walk across the platform with a diploma in hand. Fear overcame me, what if I graduated and all I knew were the four walls of the library and engineering theories and concepts? What if I didn’t know about the real world? I felt very confined on campus even though the natural surroundings included rolling hills and green pastures. How could such a beautiful place strike such a chord of dissonance and confinement within me? The truth is I was unhappy with myself for the decisions I made. I didn’t quite regret it but I wasn’t fully accepting. The bottom line, which is also a major theme in my life, that reality didn’t quite match my expectations. I am a free and creative spirit that loves to play and create and yet I had chosen the strictest and most structured field to study- Engineering. However, I did manage to squeeze in an English Minor to appease the thirst for literature and human emotion and passion. I allowed myself that much.


I knew at an early age that whatever I FEARED the most, I had to confront and structure was the most scary thing in my universe. I am a Pisces and I lived in a certain creative flow. Yet, I chose and here I was dissatisfied. How much of it is just the ego throwing a tantrum and how much of it is true growth, I will never be able to tell as judgments are ego-based and the Soul is forever. Somehow, my Soul needed these lessons to complete its journey this lifetime. After all the countless hours of studying and cramming to regurgitate the course in a few pages called final exams, I was left exhausted and broken in spirit. Why do I do this? What is the point of studying Quantum Physics, Fluid Mechanics, and Thermodynamics?

During a dance recital and amidst the humanists and romantic views of writers like Thoreau, Dante, and Keats, I realize this is a sick joke called “Life.” To play the game, I have to prove myself to others to show that I stuck it through something I didn’t like to obtain a diploma which showed my conviction to accomplishment. Did I love Engineering? Not necessarily but I did grow and evolve a lot as a human being during those impressionable years.

I began to realize that Life is an accumulation of these papers called diplomas that proved something about me… that I MADE COMMITMENTS AND THAT I KEPT THEM TO THE BITTER END. If that was what all Life was about then I really can’t wait to live life with a sense of freedom. That I no longer had a need to PROVE myself to anyone.


Just BE You


For the first time in my life, I am truly free. I have searched all my life for liberation, from what exactly, I don't know. Perhaps it is to be liberated from the social rules and norms that make me do things out of obligation, duty, and guilt? Perhaps it is the matching of the outward outcome and the inner expectations? Or is it the pressure I put on myself to achieve, to do, and to accomplish?

My Masters remind me I’m not a HUMAN DOER, I AM A HUMAN BEING. All I really need to do is BE me. Be yourself and so many of us have special gifts and talents and for some reason, we have denied our gifts and not accepted them totally. Allow yourself to accept yourself and your gifts and talents. The world is ready for you and it is your time. You owe it to yourself to live that Truth. Some call it foresight, clairvoyance, empathy, psycho kinesis, etc. I ask you to establish that authentic relationship with yourself and be who you’ve always wanted to be. Who would you be if you no longer lived with fear and hesitation? You would be more of you.

Self-reliance is all I have, that is the only thing that has been with me all of my life. People come and go, money appears and disappears, but the only thing that is true and lasts through time and space is my Self. Self reliant is all I have learned to be. I trust my inner thoughts and listen to my emotions. In the dark alleys of Europe or the deserts in America or the Himalayas in India, I know my Self and once I woke up to the fact that there is an inner guiding force within me, I could not deny the experience. It's as if I recognized there is a bit of God within me. Where there is love and compassion, there must exist a Universal Consciousness/ Divine Intelligence/Godhead.

The more I rely on my Self (which is the Higher Self also contained in the ego self), the more I trust I am exactly where I need to be and all is perfect and in Divine timing. I could not ask for more. To be ok with the Unknown is the hardest thing as I intellectual mind wants to rationalize, plan, and micromanage. Simply, my little human brain could not possibly comprehend this vast and wide universe. It’s like cramming a blimp into a cup, insanity isn’t it?


Unconditionally Loving Me


So, what is it like to be me? To be me, is to love me unconditionally. To acknowledge and accept all my strengths and all my weaknesses. As Guru Singh tells me, “if I didn’t have my weaknesses, I wouldn’t know my strengths and I wouldn’t be me.” I am all of it. I am, I am. The one statement that includes all in my existence. This way, I don’t cause polarity in my life and say I am this and not that. As I have found, if I judge and say this is good and that is bad, I am tempted to not accept that side of me that makes me feel “not so great” inside. It is an exercise of self acceptance. I had not fully accepted myself, how can I expect others to love me when I didn’t even love myself? I was not fully embracing myself, my bright and beautiful things as well as the dark and scary things. Deep down, I think everyone is trying their best to cope on this planet called earth. It isn’t so easy with all this drama, polarities, and chaos. I think of everyone trying their best and it brings me a great sense of peace to know that people are doing what they can and just because they don’t and can’t live up to my standards or my expectations, doesn’t give me the right to judge them.

Basically, I was not accepting myself so when others, who are just mirror reflections of me, would show me an aspect of myself I didn’t like, I just reacted. Somehow they triggered me and I owe it to myself to sit with it and just be with it. In the moment of acceptance, the charge simply disappears and I recapitulate the energy that was stored there. Essentially, I transformed the stored energy of a held pattern and integrate it as I become more whole, I become more of me. In energetic terms, it is as if I unblocked my own energy obstacles. The qi flow is different, it is more refined and less bumpy. It increases in voltage. The negative thought patterns, fears, and doubts start to give way to light and hope. To be more of me, is to be more Godlike- forgiving, loving, kind, caring, compassionate, and ultimately of service.


Taking Full Responsibility


It starts with the seemingly small things like conscious language. I refuse to believe that I am a victim. I choose to accept every moment as a co-created moment. That things just don’t HAPPEN to me, and that deep down I had asked for this lesson. I start to take full responsibility for my actions. I no longer blame others for anything anymore. I don’t fret over traffic or the seemingly miniscule things that use to set me off. In fact, I have been looking for buttons to press just to see if I react. And when I do find those highly tense buttons or hang out with people who seem to trigger me, instead of reacting like a mad dog, I actually consciously take a deep breath and relax into it. It is quite liberating to see that I have now taken an observer’s position and am merely witnessing the event versus being in the eye of the tornado creating havoc. I see it is my tendency to react and I find it amusing as I remind myself to breathe. I guess it is a form of maturity, spiritual maturity, a means to keep myself in check. It is so liberating to be able to see my subconscious patterns surface and instead of rushing to terminate it, I accept it and my awareness is enough to release it. There is no shame, no guilt, or anything attached to it. It is a rather peaceful passing.

At first it was difficult, I really wanted to rationalize and justify my behavior then I realized no one really cared, it was a cruel joke I played on myself. It was me trying to cover up my weaknesses. When I realized it was just another coping mechanism I had, I found compassion and forgiveness for me. I loved myself to do that besides, I was so good at forgiving others and not carry grudges and here I was unable to forgive myself. I kept on kicking myself for saying this or doing that. It is the ultimate level of self acceptance – self-forgiveness. Like I said, everyone is trying their best at every moment to do the best they can. Now, let’s apply that to me. How compassionate and kind.


Spiritual Daily Practice


It sounds so simple now, looking back, but I tell you it was years in the making. Many hours of White Tantric Yoga and a daily spiritual discipline (sadhana) that keep me connected to the Source. My ego tried so hard to convince me I was my mind but it is not true. In 2006, during one of the most intense kriyas of my first White Tantric experience, rage took over. Even though I struggled to maintain my posture, I was so hot inside, I was boiling. Over the next 40 days, I felt myself releasing intense emotions and a deep sense of sadness left me. It is in these long meditations that I commit to sitting and being with all that I am. The aspect of facing reality with open eyes and being still and stationary literally locked me down. I could not run, I could not distract myself with music, books, and conversations. I just sat there and watched my mind dump its trash. Looking into my partner’s eyes, I felt so much love and acceptance, I was reminded that I am Source, I am Spirit, and I am connected to the Universal Consciousness. You know how you feel after a good cry, I felt that peace. I feel it often now and it is an easy place to get to now. The only way to describe it is when my mind is quiet and is not propelled to spill its judgments. It is as if my mind and I have made peace, it doesn’t take half as much as it use to and when it does speak up I can decide to listen to it or not. I use to be a slave to my mind. Like Yogi Bhajan use to say, “You must accept that you are you and that your mind is also you. When you have a relationship between you and your mind, it shall answer all problems.” At night, when I sleep, I go home. I go where you go as we are all from the same place.


It is time to wake up and use your God given gifts to uplift humanity. I invite you to unconditionally love yourself and in that space of love and trust, allow you to be you~ Infinity. You have always been light, you are light now and you will forever be light. Sat Nam.



About the pictures on this page (by Deva Deep)


The matrix of life


We live in exiting times in which mysticism and science meet as the movie: “What the Bleep do we know” shows so elegantly. The matrix of life can be represented in certain fractals, especially the Mandelbrot set. I will translate the scientific terms into spiritual terms. Basically the Mandelbrot set consists of a Buddha with an aura around Him. The Buddha represents infinity, the void. You can go as deep as you want but there is no end to it. In the aura of the Buddha are smaller Buddha’s all connected to the main Buddha. There is an incredible richness of forms, harmony and beauty: the cosmos unfolding. Further away from the Buddha everything becomes shallow, only at the surface, no depth, very boring and monotonous. It all end with the fundamentalists and 'consumer robots' with only one dimension and a very limited narrow view.

To read more of the scientific background see Wikipedia: Mandelbrot set.


By ‘coincidence’ I found in the eighties the first publication about the Mandelbrot set in Scientific American and was immediately intrigued by it. The Mandelbrot set works with complex numbers and is complicated. But I decided to write a program for it in Pascal on a (in that time) very primitive computer with 16k memory. I just bought a hard disk now with kB of memory to show how strong computers have evolved. Because I have been the first one in the Netherlands in this field, I published these pictures and my program in several magazines. I had also the honor to meet Prof. Mandelbrot on a scientific congress about this subject.


Above you have seen some of the incredible beauty of these fractals. The same beauty you can find in life if you come close or become one with the Source, symbolized here with the Buddha as a universal symbol of the Awakened One. It is all there for you to discover.

See a fractal flash slide show

(4MB takes a little time to load)


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