we are offered satsang in ShantiMayi’s garden daily. I always take care to be
early for satsang, drinking in the scene that so timelessly calls upon my
heart’s desire: The desire to realize the essential nature from within. In fact,
the word “desire” is far to casual to cover my deep, deep longing. I have heard
ShantiMayi use the word “tapasia” for this essential thirst of the heart.
Anyway, I am burning beyond what words can explain……that is certain.
All my senses are sharpened to the extreme when ShantiMayi starts speaking. I
wish to extract the sacred message, and am dedicated to extract it NOW! Some
words are resonating so deeply, as if they stand out in the sentences she
What you truly are, is unchanging, ungraspable, unspeakable, unmoving and beyond
comprehension. The essence is same in all, all pervasive, omnipresent and
resides in the silence of the Heart beyond concepts.
These words keep circling and circling with the intensity of a bolt of
lightning. My mind is raging like a storm to grasp what she is saying: This must
me “it”. I feel like I am exploding and without taking in consideration my
“turn” to speak, I exclaim: “Where is it?!!”
ShantiMayi’s head shifts into my direction in an instant. Her eyes represent the
same lightning intensity. I hear Her say: “It is not mental gymnastics, you are sitting in it!”
I am dumfounded and grasp the sand where I am sitting on with both hands as if
this were my last anchor point. I make a firm decision: I will not leave this
spot before I see what She is speaking about. When I am sitting in it, I would
be sitting in it everywhere. Why move an inch? And so I sit… and sit…. not
caring about anything, anyone or any time.
I simply sit and am ready to keep seated forever. One notion was lingering in
the back of my mind: ShantiMayi would be guarding. This notion gives me the last
peaceful push to rest in my decision.
The next thing I am aware of is a light ray. It comes from a torch. As time
must have been passing by, the night fell, and ShantiMayi shines her torch from
her veranda on me without saying anything. I do not react; it is just a passing
experience, and I disappear into a void again: timeless no-thing-ness. In this
timeless-no-thing-ness, a pristine transparent awareness surfaces; completely
impersonal. Un-named sounds without direction or meaning are perceived: Sounds
of Silence in Boundless Eternal Awareness.
“How is Ambani?” Another sound… in silence….
Again: “How is Ambani?” Some “form” is coming to that sound; a notion of
“meaning”. Yes, this must mean something. I notice that someone stands next to
me… a human being; yes must be human. I realize that this is ShantiMayi, and She
is my Guru and She is asking a question. It needs to be answered. Ambani? Ambani?
My mind is searching quickly to find an answer. Do I know someone by that name?
It sounds familiar.
Yes, now I remember, it is the name of one of my daughters…
Forms, time, relations, mother-daughter, it all comes back slowly slowly, in a
very detached way. “Ambani is fine”, I reply with a neutral voice.
ShantiMayi disappears in the silence of the night as unseen as she came.
By “calling me back” she has thought me a Great Teaching.
I realized that Her message had been to see that the silent, unmoving essence is
Pure Awareness and does not know any contradiction as it cannot be touched or
grasped by whatever appearance. Awareness permeates all realms of consciousness
and is not ‘more’ or ‘less’ by sitting unmoving. It includes motherhood and all
other concepts without being touched by anything.
I am getting carefully on my feet, barely able to get my body moving.
All forms appear to be transparent. I feel as stable as a grain of sand in a
desert storm… nothing to hold on to… all is passing in silence: stable silence.
I feel completely drunk while walking to my room…..
Drunk of the Divine…
Nothing to grasp… and all to be.