I squeezed the hand
next to me, and then I realized we were dead. I looked into the eyes of my lover
“Surya” and we both tried to smile. A long winding road opened up before us.
Both sides filled with hundreds of side ways. We began to walk along the path.
Although the way was full of curves I had an incredible pull from my center,
which felt one pointed. After a while one of the paths on my left hand seemed to
grow and to swell, so that it almost covered half of the road. I immediately
felt pulled to this path by Suriya’s hand, I allowed myself to be led to one of
the most beautiful scenes I ever witnessed. The center was an amazing emerald
green lake, quite large. Tiny islands were peppered throughout. The nature was
breathtaking but my eyes were drawn to some of the most perfect looking beings.
All were naked with flowers in their hair. They all had an almost ecstatic look
upon their luminous faces. Sweet harmonic music filled the air. Not knowing
where to settle my eyes scanned the scene before me. I saw couples making love,
telling jokes, creating and enjoying all kind of beauty. Harmony resonated
Suriya could no
longer hold himself, het let go of my hand and jumped into the inviting lake,
diving deep and jumping like a dolphin. He beckoned me to follow him. I quickly
scanned the whole scene and the knot in my stomach told me this was his
heaven not mine. No time for regret or tearful goodbyes’. No sooner as I
had thought this, Suriya’s dream woman surfaced before him in the lake. With a
slightly embarrassed look he called me to join them. I waved back with a broken
but exited heart.
As I turned around
and walked away I was surprised how quickly Suriya’s heaven receded from under
my feet. I had no time for sadness, because I was shocked by the change in the
“road”. It was now a much narrower but straight way. I noticed it was no longer
a “road” as the soft cool grass tickled in between my toes. I felt elated, if
only for a second.
gliding towards me was Jesus, yes you heard me right: Jesus. All the texts in
the sacred books could describe only faintly the love and compassion emanating
from him. Jesus said: “Hi come with me to my Fathers Place”. He sounded very
persuasive, but he reminded me too much of an Indian hotel manager. “ Come with
me, come with me” was his catch phrase. This memory helped me prompt to ask:
“Where to? What will we do there?”
My father is the
king of heaven and together we will sit at his feet and praise him on high.
Angels will play celestial music, sitting upon their clouds. Love, peace and
holiness will surround us forever. This ‘forever’ was the last straw for me.
From deep within I answered: “No thanks”.
The moment I said
it I felt intensely relieved. In the same moment Jesus smiled his sweetest
smile, turned around and leaved.
In the blink of an
eye Shiva appeared before me. Wow what a sight this huge blue skinned wild
man. Shiva had a thick slithering snake wrapped around his neck and a
leopard skin wrapped around him as a kind of clothing. A part of me wanted to
run in fear. But he smiled and looked at me with his deep black, shiny eyes,
full of love and compassion. Then he spoke: “So let’s go my little chela”. His
voice reminded me of a guru I had known once. We had parted, while I called him
a ‘glorified beggar in sadhu clothes’. This gave me the courage to ask: “Where
will we go? What will we do there?” Shiva answered: “We will sit in the holy
Himalayas at the top of the world. Covered in snow and yet warm from within. We
will smoke chillums and sing: Shiva Shambo until I blink my eye.” Well if you
know a little of how often Shiva blinks his eye…. You maybe understand that I
replied: “No thanks”. Right away he was gone.
Without time for a breath Buddha sat before me. His silence whispered ‘love and
compassion’ into my soul. I sat in front of him and gazed into his radiating
smiling face. I relaxed and almost surrendered till he instructed me to ‘observe
your breath’. Once again the voice struck me. A grumpy over strict school
teacher popped up in my head and my rebellious nature forced me to ask: “Where
to? What will we do here?” The Buddha answered: “Where is not important. We
will go within and observe, in silence, the sensations in the body.” This
appealed to me the most BUT something within responded and I replied: “No
thanks”. Humble as ever Buddha bowed his head and disappeared.
I expected another
offer to pop right up, but instead I noticed that the path had ended. The tip of
the road hung into the air. No view, no clue, no possibilities, just the end. I
sat down and let me feet and legs dangle in the empty space. “Hmmm what now? Is
this it?” A voice reverberating from within and without answered: “What do you
think happens now? What is the truth for you?”
Oh I forgot to
mention that I have been a seeker for truth my whole life. I hated walking
around feeling ‘half asleep in frog pajamas’. Knowing that there was so much
more to discover in Life.
So I replied:
“Nothingness”. In a flash my beingness expanded into nothingness. How long this
nothingness lasted, seconds or eons, I had not the faintest idea.
After seconds or
eons, who can say, I began to take a form again. It felt like coming back after
an intense psychedelic trip. I loved the feeling that my body was slowly coming
back, solidifying. The same happened with my surroundings. A meadow spread out
before me, a hot sun was shining and warming me. Everything was very much alive:
birds were singing and they flew from wondrous tree tops. Everywhere flowers
blossomed and called me with their intense colors and miraculously forms. In the
distance the sound of children laughing tinkled in my ears, like many little
I laid down on my
back, closed my eyes and gave thanks for the ‘Everything-ness’ the fullness of
being. Although the space of ‘nothingness’ was still within me: the sight, the
smell and the vibrating aliveness of a fresh, juicy strawberry persuaded me to
take a bite. I fully appreciated all that is, and all that is not, mmmmmmm
A new life cycle full of infinite possibilities and exiting things to learn and
to discover had started again.